So ignore the email address - it is no longer. I was sick of resetting the account so I'm just going to carry on regardless, if anonymously. Things to report - more of the same blah, blah, blah. Still writing, still getting a little weird some times, still trying to find meaning in my life. Still finding it hard to find things to write about. I don't know whether I'm closing myself off or have just stopped emotionally haemorraging. Whatever it is, I feel better. I feel almost normal (well as normal as I ever have done). On the surface I'm doing fantastically well. I have a life again. I am not depressed. I'm so fucking cheerful I hardly recognise myself. But I feel so dislocated from the world. It's the old fitting in thing I guess, but most of the time I don't want to fit in with these people. I'm so lucky to have a really cool husband and family (the ones that I talk to) so I don't feel as lonely as I used to. I've come out the other side, many don't make it but I have. So...it's time to get on with being well and seeing what happens. Less moaning for sure and more doing things to write about. I'll see how it goes.....
So I'm shit at keeping this up - I'll just have to live with it. Thing is, I just don't want to go into detail about my boring life. If I'm bored the first time round then I don't want to go over it again do I? That said I've been doing well really. I keep myself busy. I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of bizarre TV, I'm still writing even though it's a bit of a slog. I've been more cheerful than I've been in years and things haven't been going crazy. But it's all a bit flat really. Is boredom the side effect of mental wellbeing?
Happy New Year!!!!!
New year - new attempt at being more up to date at this - one day I may never have to start my posts with 'it's been a while......' - you never know.....
Arghhhhh - bloody hotmail! They have decided to 'reset' my account so if anyone has sent me messages since September could you please get in touch - I've lost everything - messages, addresses, the works. I hope you all read this - crap, crap, crap - why aren't I more organised? My address still is:
I know it's been a while but I do have a proper reason this time. My dad went psycho again and threw us out (good job I didn't unpack everything - I knew it would happen). So we moved to my mum's and it's took me this long to get reconnected (progress eh?). I don't really want to go into it now - maybe I will at a later date. But things are good at the moment and it's good to be back.
I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Firstly 'cos I haven't much to say and secondly I don't want to wax lyrical if my tempremental computer is going to crash again. I've really not being doing bad lately, don't get me wrong I'm still no poster child for mental wellbeing, but I've been plodding away and don't feel too bad. My family have really been upping the ante in the chaotic stakes but I'm handling it. I'm not going to go into it, the only positive thing I have to say about my family is that I came out with a great quote in therapy when I described them as 'the Waltons on acid'. That pretty much sums it up really - I have to admit that I'd been saving that one up for a while. I'm just really trying to concentrate on me at the moment but when I do there's...nothing. I'm not sure who I am, what I want, what I'm doing or what I want to do. I'm finding it easier not to debate it 'cos I just come up with nothing. I suppose I'll have to face it sooner or later but for now I'm just gonna coast, see what happens. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to end up in California at some point. My husband is working on a version of 'the plan' so hopefully it's not a pipe dream. One thing that is for sure I'm not going to take responsibility of my family anymore - they're adults - they can sort their own shit out. I've got enough shit of my own thank you. I know why I do it, it's the 'role' that I've always been put in and I suppose it helps me feel in control of the situation, ordering the chaos. But ultimately it gets me nowhere and doesn't help me health-wise either. It's hard to break out of though but I'm going to give it my best shot. He he he I've just realised the irony, I guess it shows how fucked up my family is, if it's ME who's sorting them out all the time - don't they know I'm 'mad' - okay let's be kind and say 'sorta unstable'. Well that's me for now - daren't write anymore in case it gets wiped again - and that would really piss me off when I'm feeling all calm and everything. Bye for now.
I don't believe this - I've just wrote the longest entry ever...and my computer crashed. I'd been typing nearly an hour. Bollocks. I'm not doing it again - I'm going to go and sulk.
Unfortunately I feel crappy again. I better watch out otherwise this blog'll just be a diary of moaning. Today started out so well. I got up early (for me, probably not for the rest of the population), signed myself up for a free psychology course (even got my brother to sign up with me - which is a feat in itself), went for a walk (yes, me, exercise!) and then came up here to catch up with my messages and stuff. One of my net friends is compiling a book to be published to benefit her church and she's interested in having one of my stories in it. She hasn't got back to me yet but it looks promising. Now for me this is a big deal - I'm desperate to get something published. More for my feelings of self-worth more than anything. Just to believe that I can write something that is good enough to be published. It might work out, it might not. But for me it's a big deal. So I go down and tell my dad. I should have known better. I'd have got a bigger response if I've had said 'I've just been to the toilet'. He didn't even look up. I know that my dad is just a funny bugger who hates everything to do with technology or the arts which is pretty much what I'm about. I know he hasn't been feeling well (though he's trying to hide it) and I know he's probably depressed (another thing he won't go to the doctor about) but just a simple 'well done' would have done, or even just an indication that he was listening to me. I can't believe how just one thing from him can totally spoil my good day. I'm mad at myself for a) letting this bother me and b) for still trying to get his approval after all these years when I know I'm probably no going to get it. I'm listening to Nirvana now so my husband'll know something's up as soon as he walks in. Some days I bet he doesn't even want to come in - he can tell what kind of mood I'm in 'cos of the music. How is that only a tiny thing can make me feel so bad about myself and my situation whereas a whole bunch of positive stuff hardly has an effect?