My Virtual Life

2005-04-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

So ignore the email address - it is no longer. I was sick of resetting the account so I'm just going to carry on regardless, if anonymously. Things to report - more of the same blah, blah, blah. Still writing, still getting a little weird some times, still trying to find meaning in my life. Still finding it hard to find things to write about. I don't know whether I'm closing myself off or have just stopped emotionally haemorraging. Whatever it is, I feel better. I feel almost normal (well as normal as I ever have done). On the surface I'm doing fantastically well. I have a life again. I am not depressed. I'm so fucking cheerful I hardly recognise myself. But I feel so dislocated from the world. It's the old fitting in thing I guess, but most of the time I don't want to fit in with these people. I'm so lucky to have a really cool husband and family (the ones that I talk to) so I don't feel as lonely as I used to. I've come out the other side, many don't make it but I have. So...it's time to get on with being well and seeing what happens. Less moaning for sure and more doing things to write about. I'll see how it goes.....

2005-02-08T15:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm shit at keeping this up - I'll just have to live with it. Thing is, I just don't want to go into detail about my boring life. If I'm bored the first time round then I don't want to go over it again do I? That said I've been doing well really. I keep myself busy. I read a lot of books, I watch a lot of bizarre TV, I'm still writing even though it's a bit of a slog. I've been more cheerful than I've been in years and things haven't been going crazy. But it's all a bit flat really. Is boredom the side effect of mental wellbeing?

2005-01-01T07:44:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!!!!!

New year - new attempt at being more up to date at this - one day I may never have to start my posts with 'it's been a while......' - you never know.....

2004-11-20T19:13:00.000-08:00

Arghhhhh - bloody hotmail! They have decided to 'reset' my account so if anyone has sent me messages since September could you please get in touch - I've lost everything - messages, addresses, the works. I hope you all read this - crap, crap, crap - why aren't I more organised? My address still is:

my_virtual_life@hotmail.com

2004-11-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while but I do have a proper reason this time. My dad went psycho again and threw us out (good job I didn't unpack everything - I knew it would happen). So we moved to my mum's and it's took me this long to get reconnected (progress eh?). I don't really want to go into it now - maybe I will at a later date. But things are good at the moment and it's good to be back.

2004-09-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Firstly 'cos I haven't much to say and secondly I don't want to wax lyrical if my tempremental computer is going to crash again. I've really not being doing bad lately, don't get me wrong I'm still no poster child for mental wellbeing, but I've been plodding away and don't feel too bad. My family have really been upping the ante in the chaotic stakes but I'm handling it. I'm not going to go into it, the only positive thing I have to say about my family is that I came out with a great quote in therapy when I described them as 'the Waltons on acid'. That pretty much sums it up really - I have to admit that I'd been saving that one up for a while. I'm just really trying to concentrate on me at the moment but when I do there's...nothing. I'm not sure who I am, what I want, what I'm doing or what I want to do. I'm finding it easier not to debate it 'cos I just come up with nothing. I suppose I'll have to face it sooner or later but for now I'm just gonna coast, see what happens. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to end up in California at some point. My husband is working on a version of 'the plan' so hopefully it's not a pipe dream. One thing that is for sure I'm not going to take responsibility of my family anymore - they're adults - they can sort their own shit out. I've got enough shit of my own thank you. I know why I do it, it's the 'role' that I've always been put in and I suppose it helps me feel in control of the situation, ordering the chaos. But ultimately it gets me nowhere and doesn't help me health-wise either. It's hard to break out of though but I'm going to give it my best shot. He he he I've just realised the irony, I guess it shows how fucked up my family is, if it's ME who's sorting them out all the time - don't they know I'm 'mad' - okay let's be kind and say 'sorta unstable'. Well that's me for now - daren't write anymore in case it gets wiped again - and that would really piss me off when I'm feeling all calm and everything. Bye for now.

2004-08-26T19:20:00.000-07:00

I don't believe this - I've just wrote the longest entry ever...and my computer crashed. I'd been typing nearly an hour. Bollocks. I'm not doing it again - I'm going to go and sulk.

2004-08-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I feel crappy again. I better watch out otherwise this blog'll just be a diary of moaning. Today started out so well. I got up early (for me, probably not for the rest of the population), signed myself up for a free psychology course (even got my brother to sign up with me - which is a feat in itself), went for a walk (yes, me, exercise!) and then came up here to catch up with my messages and stuff. One of my net friends is compiling a book to be published to benefit her church and she's interested in having one of my stories in it. She hasn't got back to me yet but it looks promising. Now for me this is a big deal - I'm desperate to get something published. More for my feelings of self-worth more than anything. Just to believe that I can write something that is good enough to be published. It might work out, it might not. But for me it's a big deal. So I go down and tell my dad. I should have known better. I'd have got a bigger response if I've had said 'I've just been to the toilet'. He didn't even look up. I know that my dad is just a funny bugger who hates everything to do with technology or the arts which is pretty much what I'm about. I know he hasn't been feeling well (though he's trying to hide it) and I know he's probably depressed (another thing he won't go to the doctor about) but just a simple 'well done' would have done, or even just an indication that he was listening to me. I can't believe how just one thing from him can totally spoil my good day. I'm mad at myself for a) letting this bother me and b) for still trying to get his approval after all these years when I know I'm probably no going to get it. I'm listening to Nirvana now so my husband'll know something's up as soon as he walks in. Some days I bet he doesn't even want to come in - he can tell what kind of mood I'm in 'cos of the music. How is that only a tiny thing can make me feel so bad about myself and my situation whereas a whole bunch of positive stuff hardly has an effect?

2004-07-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

Feeling bad 'cos I just went totally off at my husband about how bad I feel about myself. I know I shouldn't - what's the point in making him feel bad as well. I didn't realise how crappy I was feeling until it all came tumbling out. Now I feel like a drama queen - making a scene over nothing - yet I know it's not nothing. I just feel bad about everything. I know it's 'cos of my dad - I try to tell myself that he's talking crap and I should know better than to listen to him. I think it's because secretly I believe it all about myself - I do feel like a loser and a failure - I just try to talk myself out of it all the time - it's like he's reinforcing what I already think about myself. I hate this trapped feeling, basically I hate being dependent on anybody because it's been my experience that they let you down and feeling dependent on my dad..... argh. Then I come in tonight and he's being really nice and seems so fragile (he's not been well) so I feel like a complete bitch. Hope I'm in a better mood tomorrow.

2004-07-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

I spoke too soon - my dad is driving me mental.....and I know it's not me being touchy (well maybe a little). Everything I say or do is either a) wrong b) stupid or c) both. I feel like I'm a teenager again, hiding out upstairs. Everytime I mention the future (i.e. 'the plan') it's 'stupid', I'll never get there, I'll need money and well...I'm not doing very well on that score am I. Tell me something I don't know! It's not like my husband is working 7 days a week to try and get us out of this mess or anything. When I mention anything I might want to do once I'm feeling better - quote 'You'll never be a criminologist' for example. Then when I don't mention anything it's 'you watch too much tv' (this from a man who hasn't turned his set off in 6 months - and honestly I really don't watch that much tv) or 'you spend too much time on the computer' - yes to get away from you. I don't want to come across as a spoiled brat here. I really am grateful for him letting us stay. But...God.... he's driving me bats. No matter what I do I'm in the wrong and I don't know anything and I'll never amount to anything. Nevermind that I had a successful career before I got ill, or have a post graduate education. I spend enough time trying to convince myself I'm not a failure (an on-going battle) without him chipping in. Sheesh.

Enough of that. I 'came out' today at therapy - I told them about this blog. When they asked if they could read it I was like nooooo. I surprised by my reaction - I think they were as well. It's not so much what I write about here that I don't want them to know, I'd happily tell them, it's more the tone. It's like I have a different persona when I'm on here. My therapist asked whether I'm ashamed of this part of my personality - but I'm not. I feel more myself on here than anywhere else. I like the person I am when I write - you have the option of editing - not that I do it much on here - it just splurges out. The other lady in my therapy group thought it was weird that I compartmentalise myself. But it's what I've always done. That's probably why I have so much trouble with my identity - the parts don't fit together - I'm different things to different people. Not that I have multiple personalities or anything - it's just I'm never just myself - I don't know how to be. More that I'm the persona I've created for that particular situation which is a part of my personality. I know why I ended up like this - wildly differing expectations of me when I was growing up. It's just that now I don't know how to switch it off. I think this is me who's writing. It certainly feels more like me than anything else.

2004-07-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

It's been a hell of a long time but I've been in hecticsville - moving house and stuff. It has occurred to me that I've probably lost the tiny amount of readership I had. But I'm going to keep blethering on into cyberspace to convince myself that I'm still writing. I am a writer, I am a writer - maybe if I repeat myself enough it'll actually happen. So I'm still on with 'the plan' and I'm now living at my dad's - it's not too bad. A lot better that I thought (but there's still time....). Have had no end of crap with our ex-landlady - but I'm not going to go into it 'cos it just makes my blood boil. I'm going think happy thoughts and try not to get down. I am a writer, I am a writer......

2004-05-30T16:31:00.000-07:00

So in true borderline style things have completely changed today. After ranting and raving at my mum's about how unfair everything is and how hopeless our situation is I had a 'moment of clarity' on the way home. I don't want to own a house, I don't even want to live in this country. I got so worked up, panicking over getting on the property ladder before it's too late (even though it's too late already) that I lost sight of what I actually want (or think I want - you know how hazy it gets). So we have a new plan, a big plan but fuck it I don't want to just 'settle' - I want to be happy and I want to know that I gave everything a go. So here's the plan. We stay in this house as long as we can. Then we move in with my dad (who I have spoke to today and has been extremely cool about it). It won't be easy - me and my dad have a chequered past - but I'll survive. We'll work hard to get our business making more money for us, I'll re-train (into what I don't yet know) and we'll pay our debts off. Then we'll find a way to fuck off to California and live in the desert. This may take 10 years, our plans may change but at least we've got some kind of direction. To some it may seem like a pipe dream but I'm going to make it happen. So fuck mortgages, fuck pedantic relatives and fuck settling. If you're going to aim for something you might as well aim big and every time I feel like giving up and feel like everything is hopeless I'm going to re-read what I have just wrote and keep on fighting, keep on struggling until something good happens.

2004-05-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

More stress and strife in my little world. Finally gave up today and stayed on the sofa feeling angry at everyone with an unhealthy dose of self pity. I don't want to explain it all as it's just too convoluted and crappy but I'll give you all the basics. Had 2 people round to value our house and two more are to come - we rent but the landlord hasn't had the decency to tell us that they're considering selling - it's a safe bet though and I reckon we've got a month. We can't afford to move anywhere else even to rent because we are absolutely flat broke - selling our possessions for food money broke. The bills are piling up. So (great)uncle who has just died (funeral was on thurs - managed to get through it but had to be sedated) and has left the house to my gran - great we can rent the house from her then buy it (it's in severe need of renovation and our only chance to get on the property ladder 'cos it's so cheap) when we can get a mortgage (husband's self employed yada yada yada). Then other interfering uncle convinces gran that renting is not good and if we want it we'll have to buy it 'cos it'll affect her benefits yet if she sells it, it will affect her benefits anyway(in addition to lining up another cash buyer for her). Spent yesterday trying to get a mortgage - thought we might have a chance with a self cert mortgage - but no 'cos of the last month when we didn't pay bills on time - never mind that we've been paying our bills on time for the last ten years. We'll not be homeless because we'll have to move in with my dad - who is the main cause of my problems so he'll probably chuck us out in a month or I'll end up on a murder charge. The uncle whose house it was hated the interfering uncle and would have hated this wrangling - he would have given us the house - he was that kind of person. Gran says she can't afford for us to live there rent free for a while - but surely if the uncle hadn't have died she wouldn't have had the money anyway. And that is just the basics. Feel very disillusioned and pissed off. My family always makes a big deal about being close and helping one another - what a crock of shit. I've been treading water for so long and keeping my chin up (with the help of chemical vacations) and I'm sick to the back teeth of it. Let it all crumble around me, declare ourselves bankrupt and let them take it all. If I could admit myself to hospital I would. I haven't self harmed - it only makes you feel good for a couple of minutes and I'm too much of a coward for suicide. If I go to the doctors they'll just knock me out again for a week and then I have to face it all again - so why put off the inevitable. I'll go to therapy and debate it all again and still feel no better. So what am I doing? I'm being very childish and refusing to speak to anyone and I'm going to sit on that sofa and see what happens. Not a great plan but the only one I've got at the moment. I'll update you all when something happens.

2004-05-20T14:54:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since I last posted. I was pretty much out of it for week after I found out about my brother - diazepam rules! There's been some good and quite a lot of bad. My brother managed to get on a fast track methadone programme. I'm trying not to get my hopes to high as he's been on methadone countless times before but hopefully..... Unfortunately (god that word seems so inadequate considering) an uncle I was quite close to died yesterday. It was pretty sudden - they found out he had bowel cancer but it was very advanced - he didn't recover from surgery but we knew there would be a slim chance he would come out of it so I was able to say goodbye before he went. Now I just feel numb (good old diazepam again) and I don't know if I'm grieving too much or too little, what the appropriate feelings should be. I guess it's different for everyone. The final thing that has happened is that I had my first session of group therapy today. I don't feel either good or bad about it, the numbness again I guess. I don't know whether I've got enough 'care' left if you know what I mean. I've got that much going on myself that hearing other people's (quite bad) stuff left me with a feeling of not being able to care, like my 'care' reservoir is too low. The other feeling I've been left with is that I feel that there are these rules of human interaction that everyone else seems to know but that I don't. Did I disclose too much or too little? Did I talk too much or too little? Did I come across as odd? I feel like this all the time but this brought it up so sharply into focus. Like as if everyone else seems to innately know how to have relationships with others, even acquaintances, and I don't know the right way to go about it. I constantly question and berate myself for not being 'normal'. The irony is, is that everyone'll think it was fine, that I did well. In other situations (even with my closest friends) my husband'll say that everything was fine, that I acted normally while I'll be criticising myself because I think I have said or done something wrong. This problem seems to exist solely in my head - another one of 'my' problems. No wonder I avoid people - then complain of feeling alone - you just can't win, can you?

2004-05-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to say much. I'm pretty strung out on diazepam so typing is hard. Yesterday I found out that my brother is back on heroin. He's been clean for 13 months. Everything seems to have turned black. He was on it for 8 years previously. I can't describe what damage it has done to our family. Will he kill himself this time? Who knows. He was so close before. I wish I could be angry with him but I just feel destroyed. I don't think I can go through all this hell again. I want to hope that he's not too far gone and it's a blip but it's so hard to believe. I was doing so well. Now I feel like I'm going crazy again.

2004-05-08T16:18:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile but I did something positive today so I thought I'd better record it. I went to the gym today. I'm not a gym person but I'm getting fat (who am I kidding 'getting') and I've decided I'd better do something about it (albeit with a gentle shove from my doctor). I can't say I liked it (god treadmills are so boring) but it didn't kill me so hence I will go back. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow as I think getting out of bed will be a problem - maybe I'll just have to roll out. I just want to be thin again. I've been on every fad diet in existence and it hasn't worked. The combination of Zyprexa (which is evil - turn into a zombie and put on 2 stones in 3 months!) and sitting on my butt for 1 and a half years have turned me into this dumpy person I don't recognise. So providing I can find the £1.75 for my next visit (maybe there's some coins at the back of the sofa) I'll be there. We're having severe financial difficulties - again - but that's all I'm going to say about it. I refuse the worry about something when it won't do a bit of good (but I mentioned it so maybe I'm subconsciously fretting about it). Anyway that's it for today.

2004-05-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hi all. It's been really sunny here today - isn't it amazing that the weather really lifts your mood. I'm convinced that if I lived somewhere warmer I'd be happier - maybe one day. Went for a 'family walk' today - which doesn't happen very often seeing as how I'm so stationary (and lazy). Unfortunately because it was with my morbid family it was a trip to the cemetary - cheerful huh? My mum and sister go there all the time - like it's a normal recreational activity. My family is obsessed with death, like my gran will tell you who's died recently before she's even said hello - I even once caught her and my uncle looking through old photo's to see who they'd outlived. But that's not even the worst - my mum and the same uncle once went to watch a cremation - like a 'behind the scenes' tour. My uncle went 'cos he was on a course - but my mum? Well she just went along because she felt like it. I can't decide whether they have a healthy or really unhealthy attitude about death. Surely it's not normal. I just laugh about it 'cos I'm so used to it - tease them about it but it really freaks my husband out. It's weird how dysfunctional your family seems when you see it through the eyes of an 'outsider'. I guess most families are the same. I bet all have their quirks - although I must admit that mine seem to have more quirks that most. To quote Peter Kay: 'if it's not one thing, it's your mother'.

2004-04-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm back. Not got much to say as usual. Except I should be at the seaside now - and I'm not, which is crap. Me and Mark had booked a couple of days away but.......thanks to being skint as usual we couldn't go. I'm pissed off about it but I'm not upset. I just can't get excited about anything at the moment - except for 'classic video day' on the music channel. I'm surprised I've managed to drag myself away (actually that's not true - I'd been watching it for that long that they had started to repeat). It took me back to (what I consider) to be MTV's heyday - the early 1990's. Maybe it's my age....... That would be my dream job - if I could have any job in the world it would be that - directing music videos. But that's not going to happen any time soon so I need to be thinking about realistic options - I still have no clue, but I whinge enough about that so I'll stop.

Big, Big thanks to all those (yes, you three!) who e-mailed me - it really means a lot. I tried to put a counter on this page but the damn thing wouldn't work (thanks Quentin anyway) so emails would be great. Have a good weekend everyone.

2004-04-29T16:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here for a while.....I put it down to my new addiction to yahoo games - small things and all that. As usual not much has been happening. I've been in a 'everything's pointless' mood for so long now that I can't remember when anything had a point to it. Outwardly I'm doing well - doing all the things I need to do to get better - therapy, exercise, meds but I can't say I feel better - I don't feel anything - just going through the motions. I think that might be the real reason I haven't been here in a while. Things just don't have any meaning for me anymore so I've just got no interest in anything. I don't think this is living - surely there's more to life than this? All I can do is keep plugging away and hope that soon I'll feel better - it seems a long way off though.

2004-04-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to me and all that. I am one hour into my birthday (UK time) and it's going alright so far. Although I should go to bed or I'll sleep my way through it. Having had many a disastrous birthday in the past (none spring to mind - I must have blocked them out) I am a little trepidatious. One thing that's been on my mind is that I've outlived Kurt Cobain. Now I probably wouldn't have thought about it but there's stuff in the magazines with it being the 10th anniversary of his death and all. The weird thing is - I never thought I'd get this far. I never envisioned my life at all after this point and now I'm here it's like looking into the void. I still don't know what I'm going to do 'when I grow up' and I'm still as messed up as I was 10 years ago (probably more so) but in different ways. I do wonder when I will get my life sorted out - getting myself sorted out might be a start but I'm a long way off that aswell. I suppose I always thought that life would have a way of sorting itself out - maybe it still will. I hope so. So now to bed - hope I get some good prezzies in the morning (although I know I'll be disappointed as always - damn those high expectations).

2004-04-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

Not much to write about but I am in a better mood - which counts for something, right? Spent most of the day on the sofa - again. I have an odd relationship with my sofa. Sometimes it feels like a little boat on a rough sea that I can cling to and feel safe, other times it's like a prison that my anxiety condemns me to. I guess that's other sign that I really do need to get a life - when I'm waxing lyrical about my sofa. I did used to have a life, a wild life in fact up until two years ago. Maybe too much of a wild life, if I'd have taken it steadier maybe I wouldn't be in this predicament. It's a catch-22 really. I have bpd so I fucked myself up, my bpd is worse because I fucked myself up. Who knows which way it goes - probably both. I'm just so unsociable these days. I don't want to be around people. I feel unattractive and boring, so different than before when I was life and soul. I guess that I just don't want people to see me like this, I don't want to make small talk and I certainly don't want to answer that time-old question 'so what are you up to?'. I don't even know whether it is noticeable. Do I seem different or is it just in my head? It doesn't really matter. I hope I can get out of this. I'm not worried about getting back to how I was before - I was destroying myself one way or another but I don't want it to be always like this. I don't want to waste what I've got left of my twenties.

2004-04-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

Here's one theme that'll come up time and again on this blog. We've got no money - again. Where does it all go? It just feels like another kick in the teeth. Talk about uphill struggle. Does everyone have it this hard? Or is it because we are spectacularly shit with money? It's just put a downer on the whole day - y'know when it makes you feel physically sick. Worst of it is we thought we were doing alright - how could we have got it so wrong? We'll get through it I know - do some juggling, grovel at the bank but it's just seems so easy for everyone else (maybe we're hanging round with the wrong type of people - who knows?). I don't really want much - enough to pay the bills, the odd treat here and there. Christ I'm worse off now than when I had a drug habit to support - at least then I was having fun (well thought I was). It's times like these I really wish I had some tranquilisers to abuse - not healthy I know but at least it takes it all away for awhile. I'm going to stop here 'cos I'm being just too damn cheerful.

2004-04-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

So I'm back, it's been a while and I wish I knew for sure that just one person was reading this - email me if you do - I don't expect you to be interested in my sad little life but it'd be just be nice to know.

So what brought me back? Guilt actually. I'd forgotten that I'd actually put this up on the borderline site and I came across it my accident - getting all dusty in the corner so I thought I'd drag it out and give it another go.

Things went on a bit of a slide after I last posted - fucking depression again. Every time I wonder if I'll be able to drag myself out of it but I'm still here and while I'm not happy (when have I ever been?) at least I've been able to get out of bed. By all accounts I'm 'getting better' but I don't know whether I'm better off. I just don't feel alive. Just empty, this great fucking void that I can't fill and can't escape from. I can't do all the things I used to do for fun because I'm 'getting better' and all that stuff was self-destructive but I'm suffocating. This nice girl act is driving me mad (madder? whatever). All this trying to be cheerful when I feel like screaming.

2004-03-02T15:50:00.000-08:00

It's me again (who else). As usual only have the mundane to report. Had to get up early today (well early for me, probably not early for the general population) to go to therapy. Had an alright session. Felt weird afterwards which apparently is par for the course - hope this means that I'm finally getting somewhere. This is the fourth therapist I've had - which makes me sound like a handful - but I'm not really. I just found that with the others I just got iller and iller. Maybe I wasn't ready, maybe it was the way they practised - I don't know. I've started writing again - well one poem and re-edited my earlier short stories. The half finished novels (3 in total) are still...well unfinished. I'm just so nervous about them. I'm thinking about entering competitions but it's just so nerve-wracking. Maybe because if I don't win anything then it'll confirm my greatest fear - that I'm crap and I can't keep the facade of 'well I'm writing' as an answer to 'what are you doing?'. I know I've got it in there somewhere. I guess I'm just blocked - even writing this is a pain (sorry readers). Maybe I'm still not well enough to reach my potential - or maybe this is my potential and I'll never be a writer. I just don't know - maybe this is better than knowing that this is it. I'm just going round in ever self-doubting circles so I'll leave it here.

2004-02-29T07:13:00.000-08:00

I'm back and still bored - there's only so much tv you can watch - another re-run of friends is just gonna finish me off. I've been very lucky that my brother's girlfriend has tidied up the house for me - but it leaves me with nothing to do - how sad is that?

I'm still waiting for inspiration to strike and give me some idea of what to do - I can't believe I'm missing work. I just want something to keep me busy - and having a bit more money is a bonus - I'm not exactly rich. I've even taken to doing those stupid quizzes on the web to try and get a clue - what am I going to do?

2004-02-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

Not been a bad day all in all. Had a surprise gift from my husband today - a bike. Of course this means I may actually be starting to exercise (there's a first time for everything). It's about time I got off my lazy butt and did something. I'm still on a diet and I'm just sooo hungry all of the time - it's all I can think about. I must be really boring my friends - regailing them with tales of weightloss and hunger. That's it really. Have spent most of the day either in bed or visiting people - now it's past 11pm and I'm not tired - I wish I could sleep normally like normal people - I'm always out of sync.

2004-02-26T14:45:00.000-08:00

Not in a very good mood so I'll keep it short. Have had a quite good day but now I feel like shit. I all comes down to not saying what I mean at the right time and then stewing over it so it eats me up inside. I'm sick of feeling bad but I'm so scared about 'making a scene' that I clam up.

2004-02-25T05:48:00.000-08:00

Well it's all excitement here....not. Just been kicking round the house (for a change). I've started painting again. I'm not super good, but I'm not bad either - but it keeps me occupied for a while. The house is a state as usual. There's so much washing up I don't know where to begin, and boy does the house need vacuuming - my two most hated jobs - washing up and vacuuming. If only I had a little house work fairy to come and do them all for me (hell being rich enough to employ a cleaner will do). Thing is, I work myself up over it so much. Instead of just knuckling down and getting on with it - cos it has to be done, and everyone else manages - I just procrastinate over it and it becomes a big deal. I end up hiding away from it - staying away from the kitchen all day - like it will go away! See even now writing about it, I'm still worrying about it. It's washing up! Not giving birth or running a marathon! That's it, I'm going to stop right here and just get on with it, instead of sitting here moaning.

2004-02-24T05:42:00.000-08:00

I've just got back from therapy and I'm feeling a bit fragile. I always do after a session. I suppose it must be hitting all sorts of raw nerves. By tonight I'll feel 'normal' but for now I feel very thin skinned and I'm bored, so bored. I just don't know what to do with myself. I've realised today that I have 'anger issues'. Everyone who knows me wouldn't believe it - I hardly ever lose my temper. It's just all inside, I swallow it down. I've been angry for so long now I don't even know what I'm angry at. Also I'm scared of letting it all loose - I don't know what would happen if I let it all go, maybe I'd feel better but who knows? It has to be a time when I have a valid reason for being angry - and most of the time there isn't a reason - not a here and now reason. For so long I've just held it in, trying to be calm, all the time berating myself for not letting my true feeling come out. I suppose I've made a breakthrough realising all this, but it doesn't feel like one. I just hope I don't swing the other way - losing my temper all over the place.

2004-02-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

So I'm still here - have I got anything to write about....erm not really. I've had an ok-ish day - not doing much but watch tv. I started this diary to try and figure out myself and to be honest I'm still in the dark. I've been off work for over a year now and I'm still not getting anywhere fast at doing anything productive. Now don't get me wrong I don't want a pity party and I hate whining - I'm not even that depressed, it's just this day-in day-out feeling of not being up to much. Not working is fun for a while but then you just get really bored. When I was working I didn't have any time to myself and now... time is all I have. It even occurs to me that (if anybody ever reads this) they still wouldn't have any idea of what I'm really like, cos at the moment I don't know what I'm 'really like'. So......number 2 fact about me:

2. My favourite books are 'Catcher in the Rye' and 'Generation X', my favourite author is Douglas Coupland.

Oops I'm on a roll.....

3. My Favourite film is 'Heathers'.

My favourite tv programme of all time is 'Twin Peaks' (but Buffy is up there as well).

Whoo that's enough for now!

2004-02-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

It has occurred to me to explain more about borderline personality - but there are loads of sites on the internet explaining these things so I'll guess I'll leave that to the experts. Borderline can mean different things to different people and the illness itself can present itself in many ways, I mean even the name is ambiguous - borderline of what? exactly. I've noticed myself that I skirt around the issues, saying I've been ill, or that I have 'emotional' problems. So here's the low down of what has happened to me in the last year and a half:

In October 2002 I got promoted and sent to another school. I was deputy head of English, it was my 3rd year of teaching (which means either I'm a genuis or we're really short of teachers - or maybe a bit of both). I had come from a school which had a great support system and I had many friends - to a school where hardly anyone spoke to you and you got blamed for everything. I managed to keep going for 2 months - everyday I started to feel sick earlier and earlier on the drive to school. One that fateful day I didn't get past the bathroom. I was diagnosed with burn out - a nice way to describe depression, anxiety and stress. I tried different anti-depressives but they didn't work. By March I was sent to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bpd, and we can pinpoint me as having this disorder since I was fourteen. So this year I've been trying to come to terns with the fact that all I knew and thought was not normal. So to tally up this year in bald terms I have been on so many tablets I can't even count, spent a large number of months completely zombied through Zeprexa, a suicide attempt.

And now..... I'm winning the battle of depression (hopefully the meds I'm on with be right ones) and trying to figure who I am and what should I do with the rest of my life as my career has completely gone down the drain.

Now of course these are only the 'highlights'. But what I want to concentrate is on the here and now. This may be a diary of a borderline but it's also my diary and I'm hoping it may help me....find myself - sounds corny but you have to try everything.

2004-02-21T15:54:00.000-08:00

I'm still trying to be consistent - but I'm afraid every day is just way beyond my powers. Had a major freakout this morning - totally lost it - talk about get up on the wrong side of the bed. There was no milk, no butter, no cat food (hence cat was going mental), phone ringing off the hook when I was trying to shower. All small things I know but it seems to small things are the things I can't deal with. The slightest stress just causes meltdown. Feeling better now but can't sleep. Why can't I just be normal?

2004-02-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it's been a while. I'm just not very good at keeping things up but here I am. Things have been ticking over nicely here in Emma-land. Not particularly interesting but not too bad either.

Managed to get myself into therapy, like Donnie Darko I have 'emotional problems' but I don't think I'll be burning anybody's house any time soon. That's it really, not much to report. Seeya soon.

2004-02-09T14:54:00.000-08:00

So more weary wanderings from my virtual life. Had some more ink done today - and boy did it scratch a little - I'm also worried that it's not going to turn out right - it looks a bit mismatched at the moment - I'm hoping to god that once the background's done it'll all come together - and if it doesn't? Then there's not a lot I can do about it.

I'm ashamed to say that I've been glued to 'I'm a celebrity' - of course it all went downhill a bit when Johnny left but hey. I literally am the queen of shit tv - spent most of my time watching daytime tv - which I believe may be rotting my brain - it's certainly knocking off the IQ points that's for sure.

I struggling to define myself at the moment - it's part of a condition I have so I've decided that each day I will try and write something that it true about me, so here goes:

1. I'm the kind of person who likes to write blogs.

So what kind of person does it make me? Guess we'll have to keep working on that one.

2004-02-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

Ok - so I've lapsed a bit - I've missed a couple of days - I actually forgot all about it - which is weird. Not doing too well of late - have the overwhelming urge to just go hide in bed - getting up is really hard - and me being lazy by nature means that I rarely see mornings. So my apologies - still no glittering insights - but they will come and hopefully I'm back on track.

2004-02-03T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm going to keep this short - something is going on my computer - and it's driving me insane. Everytime I try to send an email from hotmail it keeps giving me the 'operation aborted' thing - aarghhhhhhh!!!! I'm too annoyed to write - will proceed when calmer.

2004-02-02T15:11:00.000-08:00

Not much to report. Just winding down at the end of the day getting ready to go to bed. Had some more ink done on Saturday so my arm's itching like hell. Hoping to become a kick-ass chick with a half sleeve (although not as kick-ass as I would be with a full sleeve - but I'm I'm just not that brave (or rich)). Still pondering the 'big' question i.e. what I am going to do with the rest of my life? No great breakthrough yet I'm afraid.

I wonder if other people really know for certain or whether they just fall into it. I've fallen in and out of more jobs and careers than I care to count. Do other people just fall into something and 'make do'? Is my refusal to 'make do' make me the odd one out? Why can't I settle at something? It seems I'm jack of all trades but master at none. If I could find one thing that I'm really good at, that could be turned into a career, would I be happy? My main problem is that I'm mortally afraid of boredom - and I'm bored very quickly - so does this mean my life will be chaos forever - but would I want it any other way?

2004-02-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back from my brief little trip to my mum's and back to my boring life. It occurred to me to try and explain why I am keeping this blog as all I seem to is complain about my life. Well this past year and a half I've had to re-evaluate my life somewhat. I've had to give up my job as a teacher as I haven't been well and it wasn't really me anyway (I have tattoos for chrissakes). I guess at the moment I'm going through the extremely self indulgent phase of figuring out what to do with the rest of my life. Really I should have figured this out years ago (I'm 27) but I've still got no idea. I must be one of the highest qualified slackers in existence. I've always fancied myself as a writer (not that you can tell from this blog) - they do say that every English teacher is a failed novelist but I've discovered that I just haven't got the self-discipline to be a writer. I'm too lazy and impulsive - so what I actually do write I throw in the bin in a fit of anger. So the reason I'm doing this blog is to prove to myself that I can keep up with something - to consistently write something everyday. I'm doing well so far - but it's only been a week.

There explanation over - hopefully I'll be wittier in future.

2004-01-30T06:20:00.000-08:00

This is a little earlier in the day than I usually write but I know I'll be out tonight so I thought I'd just pop in - look at me being all committed. Nothing has happened yet today - yawn - so as usual not much to write about. I really have to get out there and get myself a life so I can write about it here - even that's a bit sad when I think about it - I should be getting a life because it's fun and normal, not 'cos I want to document it here. Talk about backwards thinking.

2004-01-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

So day 3 of My Virtual Life. Have I got any flashing insights or amusing anecdotes? Erm.....no. God this virtual life is as boring as my real one.

A bit worried today 'cos one of my fail safe cheerer uppers didn't work (so it can't be fail safe then). I had my hair cut which usually makes me as happy as a pig in mud - and yet I still felt miserable, maybe it's the weather. So I brought the big guns out and watched an episode of Twin Peaks - so my little happiness monitor is twitching away nicely. I'm currently having a beer and listening to The White Stripes so at least my day is ending on some sort of high (now if I actually had some friends and some class A's then I dare say I would be higher but that's not going to happen so I'll make do).

Three days of keeping this blog - check me out - surely some sort of record!

2004-01-28T15:54:00.000-08:00

So.... it's the all important second installment of My Virtual Life - and I seem to have writer's block (or should it be blog block?). But hey - I've made it this far and hopefully Mark II will not be subjected to the fate of Mark I. I'm sure that when inspiration (finally) strikes I'm be rambling on forever. But till that happens I'll keep it short and sweet. Later...

2004-01-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

This is really My Virtual Life Mark II - Mark I has been lost to the ether so you will be spared my 'earlier work'. I'm hoping to do a better job with this one - try and be more....consistent - and no more late night ramblings (who am I trying to kid).

So welcome to my virtual life.